I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
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When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
This classic never gets old . . .
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.