[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Pretty much! 😂👀
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…