Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
I have obtained a hat
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me when my alarm goes off
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down