[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is