My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.