Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The glory of fall.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started