There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.