Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.