I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻