Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.