*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.