152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.