Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
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Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.