coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
I feel it
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over