Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy