If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Don’t snitch tag.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
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