If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is