Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
You Might Also Like
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms