MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!