Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
what it’s like dating me:
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Sign at work today
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?