[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
There is no try. There is only give up.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey