People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
You Might Also Like
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered