[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
hear me out : pockets for your socks
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Jokes on them. I took 10.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.