universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Proctology is located in A55
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil