Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…