I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
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MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
This is a true ally.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.