How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now