Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.