When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
selfie game
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I have never related to anyone more.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Don’t make me out nice you.