“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…