What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs