*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I’ve been learning to cook.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*puts words between two asterisks*
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
☠️☠️☠️
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.