This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop