*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.