Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
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Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
this is me
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.