The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
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How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.