[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
*performs CPR on the turkey*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
two people or more is called a problem
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Never forget.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.