Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You Might Also Like
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.