Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber