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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Namaste
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes