turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar