Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life