Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Dolls on drugs
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?