Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
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*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”