Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
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[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
When you kidnap a writer.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Well, this explains it:
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.