Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
You Might Also Like
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Meowchelangelo
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
#TopTip
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.