teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Money is the root of all wealth
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.