me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.