Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
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Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Name another movie that mislead you?