damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.